Two sloths are hanging on a tree, sleeping. After a few days one of them half opens one eye. An hour later he closes it and keeps sleeping.
Two days later the other sloth says: "Henry, you are soooo hyperactive! No more coffee for you."
Two guys are sitting at the edge of a pond. Suddenly an alligator jumps up and tears of one of their legs. The dude says "Y'know, a 'gator just bit off my leg."
"Which one?" Asks the other.
"I dunno. You seen one 'gator, you seen 'em all."
Two guys in a jail cell. One asks the other what he's here for.
- "I robbed a bank, stole a car and killed two cops. And you?"
- "I'm here because of the chicken."
- "Yeah, a chicken came scratching the dirt in my yard and dug up my mother-in-law."
The wife told me that she wants me to buy her something small and shiny which does 0-250 in less than 3 seconds. I got her a bathroom scale.
The wife said she is in the mood to go somewhere expensive. So I drove her to the gas station.
Two teenages are making out and he asks if he can call her Eve.
- "Because you are my first."
- "OK. In that case can I call you Fiat?"
- "Fiat?!? Why Fiat?"
- Because you are my 500th."
Classifieds section in a newspaper: "Looking for wife." 813 replies, all of them said "I'll give up mine!"
If swimming keeps you thin, then what are whales doing wrong?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, then how did they stick it to the frying pan?
A group of Germans went to Italy for vacation. On the border the officer says that they can't continue, because there are 5 of them and the car is an Audi Quattro. They explain that "Quattro" is just a model name, not the maximum number of occupants. But the officer don't give up, so they ask to talk to his superior. "He's busy at the moment", the officer explains, "He stopped two Italians in a Fiat Uno."
A guy comes home drunk in the middle of the night. As he enters the hallway the cuckoo clock cuckoos 3 times. The guy thinks "Darn, that woke up the wife, now she'll know time I came back. Hmm, maybe I'll cuckoo another 8 times so she'll think it's only 11." That's what he did, then went to bed.
In the wee hours of the morning the wife starts shaking him to wake him up. He protests, says that it's Saturday morning, he doesn't go to work today. The wife replies that he should get up and fix the cuckoo clock: "Last night it cuckooed 3 times, laughed out loud, belched, cuckooed another 8 times, gave a roar, and threw up on the floor in the bathroom."