Well I have no one to laugh at but myself so I'll spill the beans to share the laugh.
I took the bike down to my local bike shop to have it fitted with new clip-in pedals and have the derailers adjusted. Installing the pedals they noticed the frame was cracked.
They suggested taking it to a muffler shop and having it welded, but cautioned it would weaken the surrounding brazed joints...
So for $170, I really did get a junky rusty bike. At least I can't complain about false advertisement.
Luckily the shop had a beater that had been donated to them and I'm paying them to swap over all the hardware in the hope that it will work out for me.
If not, I'll wait for my federal rebate to come.